The Emailing Series
by Sukuru
Summary: ---[Chapter Fourteen]--- Extreme randomness insues. Uhura writes the longest Subject: ever thought possible. Vader returns. All is chaos. Jim returns too. No ones very happy.
1. Inspector From HELL

THE EMAILING SERIES PART ONE: INSPECTOR 390 ____________________________________________________________________________ _____ TO: CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE  
  
FROM: STARFLEET COMMAND, EARTH  
  
SUBJECT: ER.  
  
KIRK,  
  
WE RECENTLY ACQUIRED A NEW RECORDS OFFICE WORKER. SHE WAS HIGHLY INEXPERIENCED AND, SOMEHOW, LOST ALL OF YOUR RECORDS. PLEASE ASK YOUR CREW TO FILL IN FORMS REGARDING THEIR NAME, THEIR POSITION, THEIR SPECIES AND THE CURRENT STARDATE. THANK YOU,  
  
ADMIRAL SOMEONE-OR-OTHER  
  
TO: STARFLEET COMMAND  
  
FROM: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE  
  
SUBJECT: RE: Er.  
  
ADMIRAL,  
  
HERE ARE THE REPORTS. NOW LEAVE US ALONE.  
  
KIRK.  
  
ATTACHED FILE:  
  
Stardate: Sometime around June, as far as I know  
  
Name: James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise  
  
Age: Somewhere in my twenties.  
  
Current Position: Captain: StarShip Enterprise. Somewhere in space.  
  
Sex: Not now, I'm no duty. Oh, what the hell.  
  
Race: Human Male.  
  
Stardate: June 21st, 2267. 11am, 23minutes, 21seconds  
  
Name: Spock  
  
Age: approximately 30 years, 7 months, 26 days  
  
Current Position: Science Officer, USS Enterprise, co-ordinates 78,68  
  
Sex: Male  
  
Race: Vulcan/Human  
  
Stardate: three days after my birthday and no-one cares  
  
Name: Leonard McCoy  
  
Age: I was a year older three days ago. If anyone had bothered to notice this I might've been able to tell you my age.  
  
Current Position: Doctor, USS Enterprise, Space.  
  
Sex: Male. [I would have said Gender on Jim's record sheet.]  
  
Race: Human  
  
Stardate: Today.  
  
Name: Hikaru Sulu  
  
Age: Nijuni  
  
Current Position: Helmsman. Although it's not like I'm treated like one.  
  
Sex: Male.  
  
Race: Human. Japanese. Whatever.  
  
Stardate: [Day] [Month] [Year] [Century]  
  
Name: Pavel Chekov  
  
Age: 19/20/21  
  
Current Position: Navigator  
  
Sex: Male  
  
Race: Russian  
  
Stardate: July 14th, 1960.  
  
Name: Uhura  
  
Age: Somewhere around 24. Maybe less.  
  
Current Position: On my chair on the bridge.  
  
Sex: FE-male. Hah.  
  
Race: Human/African/FEMALE  
  
Stardate: May 16th, 2267  
  
Name: ScottyMontgomery Scott  
  
Age: 20.something  
  
Current Position: Drunk  
  
Sex: Male  
  
Race: Human.  
  
TO: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE  
  
FROM: STARFLEET COMMAND  
  
SUBJECT: RE: ER.  
  
KIRK,  
  
THIS IS NOT ACCEPTABLE. YOUR CREW ARE.CRUDE. THEY DON'T KNOW THE DATE, WHICH IS CERTAINLY NOT 1960, HALF OF THEM THINK THAT THEIR NATIONALITY IS THEIR RACE, AND YOU THOUGHT WHEN I SAID SEX, I MEANT.SEX. I MEANT GENDER. GET YOUR CREW UP TO SCRATCH BEFORE I SCRATCH YOU AS CAPTAIN. I WILL SEND AN INSPECTOR OUT TO YOUR SHIP IN THREE DAYS. BE READY BY THEN.  
  
ADMIRAL NO-NAME  
  
TO: ALL WORKSTATIONS  
  
FROM: CAPTAIN KIRK  
  
SUBJECT: YOUR PERFORMANCE RECORDS  
  
PEOPLE, PEOPLE,  
  
I KNOW FILLING IN FORMS IS.A WASTE OF TIME, BUT, PLEASE. YOU'VE GOT ME ON REPRIMAND, THEY'RE SENDING OUT A.ER.'INSPECTOR' IN THREE DAYS TO CHECK ON US. PLEASE BE READY BY THEN.  
  
KIRK  
  
PS. THE DATE IS 15TH JUNE. TWO DAYS BEFORE DR. MCCOY'S BIRTHDAY.  
  
TO: ADMIRAL NO-NAME STARFLEET COMMAND  
  
FROM: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE  
  
SUBJECT: MY CREW  
  
ADMIRAL NO-NAME,  
  
MY CREW IS IN PERFECT WORKING ORDER. IT'S YOU WHO ARE FAULTY.  
  
KIRK  
  
TO: JAMES T. KIRK  
  
FROM ADMIRAL NO-NAME STARFLEET COMMAND  
  
SUBJECT: DON'T GET ME STARTED ON YOUR CREW  
  
KIRK,  
  
PLEASE STOP EMAILING US. THE INSPECTOR IS ALREADY ON HIS WAY. I AM NOT FAULTY.  
  
ADMIRAL NO-NAME  
  
TO: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
FROM: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Jim.  
  
Jim,  
  
It is not two days before my birthday. I should know.  
  
McCoy  
  
PS. We have only lost ten Red Shirts this year. I suggest gas.  
  
TO: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com  
  
FROM: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: No.  
  
Bones  
  
For all you know I might like red shirts.  
  
Kirk  
  
Ps. it wasn't your birthday three days ago. Face facts.  
  
TO: JAMES T. KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE  
  
FROM: STARFLEET COMMAND  
  
SUBJECT: OPEN THOSE DOORS.  
  
KIRK,  
  
IF YOU DO NOT OPEN THOSE SHUTTLE BAY DOORS WE'RE GOING TO GIVE THE SHUTTLE PERMISSION TO BLOW 'EM OPEN.  
  
LIEUTENANT JENNIE NO-NAME [NO-NAME'S DAUGHTER]  
  
PS. STOP CALLING ME.  
  
To: SwordoftheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Not_A_Communist@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: That guy  
  
What do you think of that guy, Sulu? I think there's something wrong with him. In his head, I mean.  
  
Pav  
  
PS. Stop kicking me.  
  
To: Not_A_Comunist@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: That guy  
  
Pav,  
  
No, duh. That guy's creepy. And Uhura's skirt's getting shorter. I think it's on a diet.  
  
Su.  
  
PS. No.  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Inspector_Number_390@Starfleet.com  
  
Subject: Your skirt  
  
Miss Uhura  
  
That skirt you are wearing currently is not standard dress. Please change immediately.  
  
390  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
CC: Not_A_Comunist@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: You won't believe this.  
  
You won't believe this. That guy just told me not to wear this skirt anymore. What should I do?  
  
Uhura  
  
PS. Pav, get a new address.  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: You won't believe this.  
  
A) Turn up in trousers B) Shorten your skirt  
  
Su.  
  
PS. Pav says no.  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Entrprise.com  
  
Subject: That skirt of yours.  
  
Please, Uhura. We don't want Bridget Jones Syndrome. Just turn up as usual.  
  
Kirk  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: There, I've done it.  
  
Uhura,  
  
There. I changed it. Happy now?  
  
A Disgruntled Pav  
  
To: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: There, I've done it.  
  
Pav,  
  
Much better! Btw, what do you think I should do?  
  
Uhura  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: What should I do?  
  
Uhura,  
  
Turn up without your uniform on?  
  
Pav.  
  
TO: TOKEN_BLACK_GAL@ENTERPRISE.COM  
  
FROM: INSPECTOR_NO_390@STARFLEET.COM  
  
SUBJECT: TODAY  
  
MISS UHURA,  
  
WHEN I TOLD YOU THAT YOUR SKIRT WAS NOT REGULATION, THAT WAS NOT GROUNDS FOR DOING WHAT YOU DID. I THINK YOU HAVE SET A BAD REPUTATION FOR THE WOMEN OF ENTERPRISE. THIS WILL BE NOTED DOWN IN YOUR PERMANENT FILE.  
  
YOURS, 390.  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Absence of Skirt.  
  
Miss. Uhura  
  
I congratulate you today.  
  
Mr. Spock, Science Officer  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Thank You  
  
Spock,  
  
Thank you. I appreciate that.  
  
Uhura  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Er.  
  
When I said turn up without your uniform on, I meant put some civilian clothes on. Not turn up in your underwear.  
  
Pav .  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Uhura.  
  
Nice job. He's almost been scared away. Any more suggestions?  
  
McCoy  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Ignored_Nurse@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Feminism  
  
You have not set a Bad Example. I would have done the same.  
  
Chapel  
  
To: Angry_Docotor@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Suggestions  
  
I don't know. Ask Pav or Sulu. They'll know.  
  
Uhura  
  
To: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
CC: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Your ideas  
  
Yessssss. They'll work. Mwahaaha. Don't tell Kirk.  
  
McCoy  
  
PS. Or Spock  
  
To: All Workstations  
  
From: Captain Kirk  
  
Subject: Hooray.  
  
All Hands,  
  
He's gone. You have the day off. Celebrate.  
  
Kirk  
  
PS. McCoy, Uhura, Sulu and Chekov get raises because of outstanding wit and.well, bravery. 


	2. Sulk Stop

THE EMAILING SERIES PART TWO: A TRIP TO SICK BAY ____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
  
To: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Er.I don't feel so good  
  
D'you have anything for a headache?  
  
Uhura  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: You don't look so good  
  
You don't look well. See McCoy. Now.  
  
Su.  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Sickiness  
  
He's right. Bugger off.  
  
Pav :p  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Your well-fare  
  
Miss. Uhura  
  
I suggest you go and see Doctor McCoy this second.  
  
Mr. Spock  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
CC: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Get off my back  
  
Guys, please, just get off my back. I'm fine. It's just a little headache. Go away.  
  
Uhura.  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: "Get off my back".  
  
Miss Uhura,  
  
I cannot get of your back, since I am not on, or indeed anywhere near, your back. Please explain this.  
  
Spock  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: "Get off my back".  
  
I did not mean you were on my back. It is an illogical Human expression, meaning leave me alone.  
  
Uhura  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: NONE  
  
Uhura  
  
Get down here now. You're sick.  
  
McCoy  
  
To: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: NONE  
  
No.  
  
Uhura  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: TokenBlackGal@sickville.com  
  
Captain,  
  
Please order Uhura to go to Sick Bay. Dr. McCoy needs to see her.  
  
Su.  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Not any of my business.  
  
Su,  
  
It's none of my business. I do not care.  
  
Kirk  
  
PS. Su is a girl's name.  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELIbido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: If you don't.  
  
Sulu, if you don't move us now, I'm coming over there to hit you with a big stick.  
  
Kirk  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: No  
  
I'm not moving us until you order Uhura to go to Sick Bay.  
  
Su.  
  
PS. Regarding the big stick, I do not 'bend' that way.  
  
To: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Kick.  
  
Please kick Sulu to get us going!  
  
Uhura  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: And get kicked back.?  
  
Uhura  
  
No. Go to Sick Bay.  
  
Pav  
  
To: BridgeCrew  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Will you.  
  
Will you stop telling me to go to Sick Bay?  
  
Uhura  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Will you.  
  
Uhura,  
  
We're just worried about you.  
  
Su.  
  
PS. Stop telling Pav to kick me.  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Okay, okay.  
  
Ok. Im going. I can see I'm not wanted here.  
  
Uhura.  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com Subject: Well?  
  
Uhura  
  
Well, how'd it go?  
  
Pavel :p  
  
To: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Well?  
  
Pavel,  
  
He was just teasing me.  
  
Uhura :o) 


	3. Starvation and Scotch

THE EMAILING SERIES PART THREE: STARVATION  
  
____________________________________________________________________________ __________  
To: The_Flying_Scotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: The Replicators  
  
Scotty,  
  
The Replicators are broken. We are starving. Save us.  
  
Su.  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Flying_Scotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: The Replicators  
  
Su,  
  
Not now im too drunk get some one else to do it.  
  
Scotty.  
  
***  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Logical_Being@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Food  
  
Captain, I believe the crew are starving. They have not eaten in 12 hours, 14 minutes and 31 seconds.  
  
Spock  
  
***  
  
To: All Bridge Crew  
  
Discard: Logical_Being@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: LogicalBeingIsAnnoyingMe@IAmNowAnnoyed.com  
  
People  
  
Stop starving. I now have Spock on my back.  
  
Kirk  
  
***  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: YOU  
  
Sir, Kindly find us some food and we'll stop starving. It is common sense.  
  
Pavel :o(  
  
***  
  
To: The_Only_One@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: YOU  
  
No.  
  
Kirk  
  
PS. Change your Email address.  
  
***  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Now you've.  
  
Now you've gone and done it. Pavel's sulking. And we're all still starving.  
  
Su.  
  
***  
  
To: All Bridge Crew  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Me, Pavel.  
  
Everyone,  
  
There. I've changed my Email address to ByeloRhus.  
  
Pavel :o(  
  
PS. ByeloRhus means 'little Russian'.  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Me, Sulu  
  
Pav,  
  
Nice. I like it.  
  
Su.  
  
***  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enteprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Thanks.  
  
Thanks.  
  
Pav. :o)  
  
PS. When're the Replicators gonna be fixed?  
  
***  
  
To: The_Flying_Scotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Replicators.  
  
FIX THE REPLICATORS NOW. IT HAS BEEN TWENTY-FIVE HOURS. IM STARVING. SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. FIX THEM NOW.  
  
PAVEL :o(  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Flying_Scotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Sod off.  
  
PAVEL,  
  
NO. I AM TOO DRUNK. GET SOME FOOD SOMEWHERE ELSE. I AM NOT Responsible FOR THE REPLICATORS. MY RESPONSIBILITIES STRETCH AS FAR AS MANAGING MY WEE BAIRNS. THAT IS ALL.  
  
SCOTTY  
  
PS. MAYBE SU CAN COOK YOU SOMETHING.  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Drunkenness.  
  
Su,  
  
He wont fix the Replicators. What're we going to do?  
  
Pav ^^  
  
PS. You never told me you knew how to cook.  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Drunkenness  
  
Pav,  
  
We are going to die. That is what we are going to do.  
  
Su.  
  
PS. I can only cook Sushi, which doesn't require cooking as such. PPS. Stop Emailing me. Let me die in peace.  
  
***  
  
To: ALL HANDS  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Food  
  
As I am sure you are aware, our Replicators are broken. We are trying extremely hard to fix them.  
  
Mr. Spock.  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: I'm hurt.  
  
Su,  
  
Sheese, don't have a cow. We're all going to die someday, but that's no excuse to be all crappy about it.  
  
Pav :o(  
  
***  
  
To: The_Flying_Scotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Replicators.  
  
Scotty, without the Replicators working you can't get any more Scotch.  
  
Su.  
  
***  
  
To: ALL HANDS  
  
From: The_Flying_Scotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Replicators.  
  
They're fixed. Now leave me alone.  
  
Scotty. *** 


	4. Jim's Gone!

Okay. Thanks for the reviews, guys! I never expected any.  
  
Disclaimer: Star Trek is not mine. Neither is Email, as far as I know. The screen names are mine. Mwahaha.  
  
PearlGirl: Thanks for the great idea! Methinks me knows what's going to happen next chapter.  
  
Psychodahlia: Thank you for the two reviews^^. No, I certainly hope it is just your imagination when you asked me about the slash. I hope.  
  
Grace: Thanks for the consideration^^.  
The Emailing Series Part: Whatever. Jim has gone missing (cue the ominous music)  
  
To: LogicalBing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Er.  
  
Spock,  
  
You haven't seen Kirk, have you?  
  
Uhura  
  
***  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Jim  
  
Spock,  
  
Where's Jim? He's fifteen minutes late for his physical.  
  
McCoy  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Where.  
  
Su,  
  
Where the hell are we going anyway?  
  
Pav  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOFTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: How the hell  
  
How the hell am I supposed to know? The captain's missing.  
  
Su.  
  
PS. Byelo sounds like jello.  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Jello  
  
Are you really so bored that you have to compare my Email to Jello?  
  
Pav  
  
PS. Stop whispering Jello every five seconds. I'm hungry.  
  
***  
  
To: The_Flying_Scotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Captain Kirk  
  
Mr. Scott,  
  
Is Captain Kirk down there? He is fifteen minutes and twenty six seconds late for his Physical.  
  
Mr. Spock.  
  
PS. The engines are sounding a little broken.  
  
***  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: The_Flying_Scotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: And.  
  
Yes, the engines are sounded a wee bit broken because they ARE a wee bit broken. Leave me alone so I can fix them.  
  
Scotty  
  
PS. No, I haven't seen Kirk.  
  
***  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Where.  
  
Uhura,  
  
You don't know where we're going, do you?  
  
Pav :o)  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Where.  
  
Pav,  
  
Some planet with a night club called Club Pleasure. Captain's orders.  
  
Uhura  
  
PS. Do YOU know where he is?  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Jello  
  
Jello, jello, jello, jello, jello, jello.etc.  
  
Su. 0.0  
  
***  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Angry_Doctor@Enterprise.com is VeryAngry@Pissing_Me_Offsville.com  
  
Spock,  
  
Are you SURE you haven't seen him?  
  
McCoy  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: WhoeverTheHellIsSecurityCheifThisSeasonBecausePavelsTheNavigator@Enterprise. com  
  
Subject: That new Ensign.  
  
Er.Mr. Helmsman, sir.  
  
There is a new Ensign aboard, Ensign Blondie Bimbo. What job jurisdiction shall I place her under?  
  
WhoeverTheHellTheSecurityCheifIs.  
  
***  
  
To: WheoeverTheHellIsSecurityCheifThisSeasonBecausePavelsTheNavigator@Enterprise .com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: That new Ensign.  
  
Tell me. Where is that new Ensign now?  
  
Sulu (Mr. Helmsman, sir, is not my name.)  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: WhoeverTheHellIsSecurityCheifThisSeasonBecausePavelsTheNavigator@Enterprise. com  
  
Subject: Well, she's.  
  
Well, she's in her quarters at the moment.  
  
WhoeverTheHellTheSecurityCheifIs.  
  
***  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: I know where Kirk is.  
  
I know where Kirk is. Meet me outside Miss. Bimbo's room in twenty minutes.  
  
Su.  
  
*** 


	5. A letter to Blondie

THE EMAILING SERIES PART FIVE: GOD YOU MUST BE BORED OF THIS NOW.  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
Subject: Look.  
  
Kirk, look! I swapped a Modem for six of Stella with the Romulans! I can Email you now!  
  
Mudd ***  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Why.  
  
Why wont you speak to me now?  
  
Blondie.  
  
***  
  
To: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Look.  
  
Mudd  
  
Sod off. I am busy.  
  
Kirk  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Er.help?  
  
Pav,  
  
I need your help. The Captains asked me to write an Email to Blondie explaining why he wont talk to her. What shall I put?  
  
Su.  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Er.help?  
  
MISS BLONDIE,  
  
IM SORRY BUT I AM AFRAID THAT KIRK HAS SUFFERED SERIOUS MENTAL TRAUMA BECAUSE OF YOU AND TRIED TO THROW HIMSELF OUT OF AN AIRLOCK. BECAUSE OF THIS SUICIDAL BEHAVIOUR DR. MCCOY HAD FORBADE HIM TO SPEAK TO YOU EVER AGAIN.  
  
PAVEL AND SULU  
  
Whatcha think?  
  
Pav :o)  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: That message.  
  
.could just work. Send it to her.  
  
Su.  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LookAtMe!@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Remember me?  
  
Hi. Remember me? Mudd? Mwahahahaha. Tell Kirk I will kill you all!  
  
Mudd  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Your letter  
  
Pavel  
  
Oh. I never meant to hurt him. Please tell him this.  
  
Blondie  
  
PS. What the hell kind of name is Pavel?  
  
***  
  
To: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Your letter  
  
Blondie  
  
Pavel is Russian.  
  
Pav  
  
PS. I'd rather be called Pavel than Blondie.  
  
***  
  
To: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Remember me?  
  
How?  
  
Su.  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
Subject: Re: Remember me?  
  
I don't know. Just tell him you sword-swinging stupid Japanese person.  
  
Mudd  
  
***  
  
To: LookAtMe@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Remember me?  
  
No. And my name is Sulu.  
  
Su.  
  
PS. How's Stella?  
  
***  
  
To: HUGELIbido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Blondie  
  
She bought the excuse. May you die in hell.  
  
Pav :o)  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Blondie  
  
Pav,  
  
I will die in hell. Thank you.  
  
Kirk  
  
PS. What did you put?  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
Subject: Su?  
  
Oh, so you're a girl?  
  
Mudd.  
  
***  
  
To: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Su?  
  
No. Su is just Sulu without the lu. Now bugger off, I'm busy.  
  
Su(lu).  
  
***  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
Subject: A Visit?  
  
Wanna come visit me?  
  
***  
  
To: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: A Visit?  
  
No. And I'm putting a Fire Wall on the ship's Emails. Haha.  
  
Kirk  
  
***  
  
To: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
From: MailerDemon@Enterprise.com  
  
THE EMAIL ADDRESS'S: SWORDOFTHESAMURI@ENTERPRISE.COM  
  
HUGELIBIDO@ENTERPRISE.COM  
  
ARE CURRENTLY UNDER A FIREWALL PROTECTION. YOUR EMAIL IS DENIED ACCESS TO ANY SUCH SYSTEM. PLEASE CONTACT THE PERSON(S) IN QUESTION IF YOU WOULD LIKE FUTURE ACCESS TO THIS EMAILING SYSTEM.  
  
THANK YOU  
  
MAILERDEMON, USS ENTERPRISE FIREWALL, ©MICROSOFT CORPORATION, 2290.  
  
*** 


	6. CHAIN LETTERS

THE EMAILING SERIES PART SIX: CHAIN LETTERS  
  
~~  
  
Alania - Glad you liked it. Love the story you're writing with PearlGirl  
  
PearlGirl - Thanks for this idea!  
  
Taskemus - Thanks. And no, I haven't seen the Captain.  
  
Blynneda - Thanks for the Russian advice.  
  
Psychodahlia - Thank you. I pity you when it comes to exams, too.  
  
~~  
  
TO: CAPTAIN KIRK, USS ENTERPRISE  
  
FROM: ENSIGN LISSIE LOVE, STARFLEET ACADEMY  
  
SUBJECT: CHAIN LETTER  
  
Kirk,  
  
If you do not send this letter to one other person on the bridge, then you will never get laid again. This be a warning.  
  
Liss.  
  
***  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@enterprise.com  
  
From: HUBELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Chain Letters  
  
Uhura, Okay, you know how Chain Letters work. Read this and send it to two other people, or else your hair will fall out and your skin will be charred bla.sugar. Where's the back space?  
  
Kirk  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@enterprise.com  
  
CC: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Ok.  
  
Guys,  
  
Okay, you know the drill. Chain letter yadda, yadda, something horrible etc, etc, pass on to three other people, natter, natter and so on.  
  
Uhura :o)  
  
***  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
CC: The_Flying_Scotsman@Etnerprise.com  
  
BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Chain Letters.  
  
Spock, if you don't pass this on to four other people, all of your logic will suddenly disappear. Scotty, if you don't, Scotch will disappear from the Replicator menu and never been seen again. Blondie, if you don't, all of your hair will fall out and you will age rapidly. That'll teach you to make fun of my name.  
  
Pav :o)  
  
***  
  
To: TheOtherBlondie@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Oh!  
  
That meanie Pavel just sent me a chain letter and told me that if I didn't pass it on to four other people then my hair will fall out and I will age rapidly! Help! What do I do?  
  
Blondie I  
  
***  
  
To: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
From: TheOtherBlondie@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Oh!  
  
Omigosh. I don't know. What should you do? I had one of these once and I just had to pass it on, because otherwise it said I'd buy something in Oxfam and like wear it forever! Write him a rude Email, gal!  
  
Blondie II  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: You're so mean and horrible  
  
How dare you do that? How dare you? How would you like if I cut off all your hair, Chekov? I hate you. Leave me alone.  
  
Blondie I  
  
***  
  
To: BlondieBimbo@etnerprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Your so mean an. . .  
  
Blondie  
  
Well, you shouldn't've made fun of me.  
  
Pavel 0.-  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Chain Letter?  
  
Excuse me, Chekov,  
  
But what is a chain letter? And how can my logic disappear over night? That is most illogical. Please explain this.  
  
Spock  
  
***  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Chain Letter?  
  
See? Your logic's disappearing already.  
  
Pav  
  
***  
  
To: TheOtherBlondie@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: It didn't  
  
It didn't work. He wouldn't listen to me.  
  
Blondie  
  
***  
  
To: TheOtherBlondie@Enterprise.com  
  
CC: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
AngryDoctor@Enterprise.com  
  
FantaFanatic@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: I'm sorry.  
  
I'm sorry to interrupt your days, but, as you are aware of, there is a Chain Letter circulating around the ship. To better understand your culture, I am participating. If you do not pass this on to five other people, your lives will become hell. Because I am your ranking officer.  
  
Spock  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: THAT BLOODY CHAIN LETTER OF YOURS!  
  
THANKS A LOT! I NOW HAVE TWO CHAIN LETTERS! I HATE YOU! I'M GOING TO GO TO YOUR ROOM WHEN YOU SLEEP AND I'M GOING TO CUT ALL YOUR HAIR OFF AND THERE'LL BE NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT!  
  
Blondie  
  
***  
  
To: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: None  
  
I have six chain letters. Don't you think this is getting a little out of hand?  
  
Su.  
  
***  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Etnerpirse.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: None  
  
It's not my chain letter. It's Uhura's.  
  
Pav :o(  
  
***  
  
To: ALL HANDS  
  
From: LOGICALBEING@ENTERPRISE.COM  
  
Subject: The Chain Letter  
  
By now I am sure you are all aware that the Chain Letter has reached it's peak: send this to sixty people. I warn you; don't. Delete it.  
  
Spock  
  
***  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: TheChainLetter@StarFleetAcadamy.com  
  
Subject: Me.  
  
How dare you delete me? How dare you? That's it! I sentence you to spend another series and six feature films with this infernal crew! HAHAHAAHAA!  
  
Chain Letter.  
  
***  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Sorry  
  
I'm sorry I yelled at you. Can we have dinner tonight?  
  
***  
  
To: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Dinner  
  
Sorry, I'm all tied up. I have to wash my hair *blink, blink*.  
  
Pav :o) 


	7. Viruses and Chat Rooms

The Emailing Series Part Seven  
  
~~  
  
To: FantaFanatic@Enterprise.com  
  
From: UnNamedAndNoOneCares@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: This cool site I just found. . .  
  
Hey,  
  
You'll never guess what. I found this really neat site on the Web, yeah? And it allows you to create viruses! You thinking what I'm thinking?  
  
Un-Named Guy from Engineering #23  
  
*  
  
To: UnNamedAndNoOneCares@Enterprise.com  
  
From: FantaFanatic@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: This cool site I. . .  
  
I Virus making site? I dunno. What if we get caught? Kirk'll send us on the next away mission. Our lives will be over! I have an Un named Girl Friend y'know!  
  
FantaFanatic  
  
*  
  
To: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
From: UnNamedAndNoOneCares@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Viruses.  
  
I heard you talking the other day in the Mess and I couldn't help but overhear the fact that you REALLY hate Ensign Chekov. Wanna get some revenge?  
  
Un-Named Guy from Engineering #23  
  
*  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Niceness  
  
Hi,  
  
Thinking of being nice to me today?  
  
Bimbo  
  
*  
  
To: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Niceness  
  
I was always nice. You were the $&^*.  
  
Pavel  
  
*  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Too bad  
  
Aw. That's too bad.  
  
[VIRUS_UPLOADING_25%_COMPLETED]  
  
[VIRUS_UPLOADING_45%_COMPLETED]  
  
[VIRUS_UPLOADED]  
  
Sucker.  
  
*  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: TokenBlackGal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Ouch.  
  
Did you see what that Virus did to Pav's HTML? It totally screwed the re- initiation process and warped the .dll files out of existence. What a mean blondie.  
  
Uhura  
  
*  
  
To: TokenBlackGal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: wtf?  
  
Uhura,  
  
I have no idea what you're on about.  
  
I also have no idea what I'm on about.  
  
I've been on duty six days straight now. Kirk keeps forgetting to relieve me, because he's too occupied with this chat room thing named 'Furcadia'*. Weirdo.  
  
Su.  
  
*  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: TokenBlackGal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Virus  
  
Um, excuse me? Hello? There is a Virus lose on the System board! And Sulu's been on duty six days now! WAKE UP!  
  
Uhura  
  
*  
  
To: TokenBlackGal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Virus  
  
Well, that's not my problem yet, is it? I haven't got the virus, have I? Now leave me alone. I'm chatting to a very nice girl from Alaska.  
  
Kirk  
  
PS. Oh, and by the way, Sulu could have excused himself at any time he wanted to. He was just being difficult.  
  
*  
  
To: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
From: FantaFanatic@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Well?  
  
Well? Did the virus work?  
  
*  
  
To: FantaFanatic@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Well?  
  
Oh yessssss. I saw him just now in the Mess and he threatened to stab me with his fork if I ever went any where near him again. Hah!  
  
Blonide  
  
*  
  
To: BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com  
  
From ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: HAH!  
  
HAH! Joke's on you. We all keep backups of each others Email addresses on our accounts. Sucker.  
  
[VIRUS_UPLOADING_25%_COMPLETED] [VIRUS_UPLOADING_45%_COMPLETED] [VIRUS_UPLOADED]  
  
I'll say it again: SUCKER!!!  
  
Pav  
  
*  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: AngryDoctor@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Furcadia  
  
Jim,  
  
I think you're getting a little. . .obsessed by this game, aren't you? I mean, you haven't actually eaten anything in six days. I know I told you you'd put on a little bit of weight, but really. This is ridiculous!  
  
Bones  
  
PS. Rand's getting a little annoyed with you.  
  
*  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: UnknownFeminist@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Your dinner  
  
Captain,  
  
I see you have rejected yet another dinner. Let me tell you a lil' something about me, eh? I hate people who refuse my food. And I mean REALLY hate. So, let me put it to you straight: Eat the %$£*ing food before I hack into your system files and delete Furcadia.  
  
Yours, Yeoman Rand.  
  
*  
  
To: UnknownFeminist@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Your dinner  
  
Rand,  
  
I have to admit it, even now you've been on the ship as long as I have and I have come to despise you and your bossy attitude, you make a mean Spaghetti Bolognese. Now sod off and leave me to play Furcadia.  
  
Kirk  
  
*  
  
To: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: UnknownFeminist@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Plan B  
  
Okay Pavel. Plan B. I hate to do this to him, but . . .wait, no I don't. I hate him! Just do it.  
  
Rand  
  
*  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ByeloRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Virus  
  
I'm very, very, very sorry Captain. Please don't shoot me.  
  
[VIRUS_WINDOWS_XP_VERSION] [DELETED_FILE_FURCADIA] [DELETING_78%] [FILE_DELETED] [HAVE_A_NICE_DAY]  
  
Pav  
  
*  
  
*Furcadia is an online RP where you can talk to other people all around the world. www.Furcadia.com  
  
[A/N] Well, there it is. Part seven. Hmm. I'm thinking of doing Spam (IE Advertisements you shouldn't get in your Inbox because they are weally, weally wude) on my next one. Any ideas? 


	8. Away Missions and Borrowed People

[---Skip this part if you want---]  
  
The Emailing Series Part. . .um. . .Eight. Ergh. Senility.  
  
~~  
  
Wow. 20 Reviews? Um. . .okay. Here we go.  
  
Silent Breeze - Thank ya kindly!  
  
Alania - FantaFanatic is made up. Oh, and keep writing Read This Or Else with PearlGirl!  
  
PearlGirl - Thanks for the Ideas! Oh, and Snodgrass, of course. Heehee. (I'll explain a bit later in the Disclaimer to those of you who aren't PearlGirl.)  
  
SLWatson - Not being nasty or anything, but I couldn't care less.  
  
Okies, lets get this show on da road.  
  
~~  
  
To: IIShameekaII@FanFiction.com  
  
From: LegalRightsETC@SomewhereThatIsntHere.com  
  
Subject: Ensign Snodgrass  
  
IIShameekaII,  
  
Ensign Snodgrass IS NOT YOURS. You CANNOT HURT HIM. You are COMPLETELY UNDER MY POWER! MWAHAHAHAAHA!  
  
Yours,  
  
Someone Who Isn't You.  
  
~~  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek. How dare you even think of accusing me of such a thing! I'm offended! How dare you-  
  
Sulu: Just. . .shut up?  
  
Alright wise guy, that's it. Physical for you.  
  
Sulu: Nuts.  
  
Disclaimer #2: And, if you didn't get it from above, SNODGRASS IS NOT MINE! I borrowed him from PearlGirl.  
  
Snodgrass: *Whine*  
  
And now. . .  
  
The Emailing Series Part Eight: Boredom Buster!  
  
To: MyNameIsSnodgrass@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Away Mission  
  
Hello Ensign. . .um . . .MyNameIs.  
  
I'm setting up an Away Team to explore the PLANET OF DOOM we are approaching. Consider yourself ear tagged, sucker.  
  
Yours Sincerely  
  
Captain Kirk.  
  
*  
  
To: CowardessRules@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Away Mission  
  
Dear Lieutenant Bailey-The-Coward-Who-I-Abandoned-With-Some-Weirdo  
  
I am setting up an Away Mission to the PLANET OF DOOM we are approaching. I need a token coward guy. Consider yourself crying, sucker.  
  
Yours yadda, yadda,  
  
Kirk  
  
*  
  
To: BlimeyO'Riley@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Away Mission  
  
Dear Mr. O'Riley-who-dissapeared-due-to-budget-cuts-sucker  
  
I am setting up an Away. . .oh, whatever. Get down to the Transporter Room at twelve on Thursday. We need a token patriot and Chekov's lost his voice.  
  
Kirk  
  
*  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enteprise.com  
  
From: AngryDoctor@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Sucker  
  
Jim,  
  
You've really got to stop calling people suckers. I hear Lieutenant Sulu found his Fencing Foil from where you hid it in the Air-Ducts. And O'Riley's borrowed one of Sulu's duelling pistols. And Snodgrass is. . .getting a lil' clumsier day by day. You have been warned.  
  
McCoy.  
  
*  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: You. . .  
  
Pav,  
  
You haven't lost your voice. I just heard you call Kirk a. . .oh, wait, this is a PG Fan Fic. Sorry.  
  
Sulu  
  
PS. Liar. Now I have to go down there all by myself.  
  
*  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: You. . .  
  
Su,  
  
I know. But do you really expect me to go down there? I hear the Author is going off me a bit ever since she saw 'The Way To Eden'.  
  
Pav  
  
PS. No you wont. I hear Snodgrass is going.  
  
*  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: You. . .  
  
Crud.  
  
*  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MyNameIsSnodgrass@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Away Mission  
  
Captain,  
  
I'm sure there are more. . .Red Shirts out there sir. Please. I beg of you! Don't make me go! Don't!  
  
SNODGRASS.  
  
*  
  
To: MyNameIsSnodgrass@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Away Mission  
  
Snotbag,  
  
Don't worry, Author can't kill you. Or PearlGirl would kill Sulu and Pavel in the next Fan Fic she does.  
  
Kirk  
  
*  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlimeyO'Riley@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Hehe.  
  
Sulu,  
  
Sucker. I just caught a cold. I'm confined to quarters.  
  
Kevin  
  
*  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: CowardessRules@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Haha.  
  
I just caught O'Riley's cold.  
  
Bailey  
  
*  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token)Black)Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Away Mission  
  
Captain,  
  
May I take Sulu's place on the Away Mission? Pretty please?  
  
Uhura  
  
PS I am not writing this because Sulu has his foil pointed at my back. Hehe. . .OWIES!  
  
*  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELIbido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Confinement  
  
Sulu,  
  
Since you threatened Lieutenant Uhura with your stick, you're confined to quarters. Sucker.  
  
Kirk.  
  
*  
  
To: BlimeyO'Riley@Enterprise.com  
  
CC: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
CowardessRules@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Haha.  
  
I'm not going either. Let's go to the bar and get drunk.  
  
Sulu.  
  
*  
  
To: HIGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: IIShameekaII@FanFiction.com  
  
Subject: Hehe.  
  
Kirk,  
  
I am very sorry but you simply cannot take Snodgrass on your Away Mission. Find some other sucker.  
  
IIShameekaII  
  
PS. I am absolutely not writing this because PearlGirl has a gun pointed at me - Ow.  
  
~~  
  
[A/N]: Yup, another instalment. I don't think I like this one. . .but, whatever.  
  
[---Appendix---]  
  
HUGElibido@Enterprise.com - Kirk  
  
LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com - Spock  
  
AngryDoctor@Enterprise.com - McCoy  
  
SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com - Sulu  
  
MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com - Chekov (formerly ByeloRhus)  
  
Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com - Uhura  
  
FlyingScotsman@Enterprise.com - Scotty  
  
BlondieBimbo@Enterprise.com - One blonde too many  
  
FantaFanatic@Enterprise.com - Some guy  
  
TheOtherBlondie@Enterprise.com - Two Blondes Too Many  
  
UnNamedAndNoOneCares@Enterprise.com - Some other guy  
  
UnknownFeminist@Enterprise.com - Rand  
  
LookAtMe@MuddsPlanet.com - Mudd  
  
BlimeyO'Riley@Enterprise.com - Kevin O'Riley (The Naked Time)  
  
CowardessRules@Enterprise.com - Bailey (The Corbomite Manouver) 


	9. Birthdays and Stealing Things

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek, Stargate, Adnromeda, Enterprise, Emailing, AOL, FF.Net. . . .Guys, let's face it. I don't own anything.  
  
~~  
  
The Emailing Series Part: Nine: Birthdays!  
  
~~  
  
A/N: Okay, I know this idea has been done to death, but I bet it hasn't been done to death by meeeeee! I'm gonna kill it! Kill it dead and see if it notices! HAHAHAAHAA!  
  
~~  
  
Star Of The South: Cool. I bet I'm not so much a Trekkie as you are. . .  
  
Alania: Glad you liked it. I didn't think it was as finny as my previous ones. . .but, hey, thanks!  
  
PearlGirl: Hmm. . .Jim in a ed Shirt. . .*ponders* . . .hmm. . .Anyway, keep writing your Fan Fics too!  
  
Saurons Twin Sister: Thanks. Although, really, I wrote the Appendix for me when I'm writing. . .because my memory is. . .um. . . what was I saying?  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: (It's me, McCoy)  
  
Jim,  
  
Do you have any idea that it's Spock's birthday soon? I didn't know till Rand told me, she didn't know till Pavel told her, he didn't know till Sulu told him, Sulu didn't know till. . .er.. . .you get the picture. Anyway, his birthday's sometime next week.  
  
McCoy  
  
PS. I Love my new Email address. Hehehe. Let's see if the green-blooded pointy eared non-elf notices it, eh?  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Give it back  
  
GIVE ME THAT BACK RIGHT NOW BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND SLICE YOUR HEAD OFF!!!  
  
Su.  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Slicing. . .  
  
Sulu,  
  
How are you going to slice my head off when I have your Fencing Sword?  
  
Pavel^^  
  
~~  
  
To: ILOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Form: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: (It's me, McCoy)  
  
Bones,  
  
Um. . . .how old is Spock anyway?  
  
Jim  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBieng@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: You  
  
Spock  
  
Um. . . just for the Medical Records. . .how old are you, exactly?  
  
Bones  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: You  
  
"Bones"  
  
I have looked over the Medical Records and find no protocol requesting age.  
  
Spock  
  
PS. I am not going to comment on your Email address.  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLGOCIALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Wrong  
  
You did Comment on my Email address when you said you weren't going to. Hah. Beat that for logic.  
  
"Bones"  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Hah  
  
Did I mention I also collect Bayonets? Because I do, y'know. NOW GIVE ME BACK MY [PG CENSORED] SWORD BEFORE I KICK YOU IN THE [PG CENSORED].  
  
Sulu  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Hah  
  
Hmm . . .tempting over, but no. Now [Censored] off.  
  
Pavel  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGElibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Age  
  
Spock,  
  
As your Captain and your friend, it is simple illogical human behaviour to now your age. Call it curiosity.  
  
Kirk  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Logicalbeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Age  
  
Jim,  
  
Tell me your first.  
  
Spock  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Age  
  
[Souldn't-Be-Censored-But-The-Author-Likes-Playing-With-The-Dash-Key] off.  
  
Kirk  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: The Birthday  
  
So. . .um, what are we going to do, anyway?  
  
"Bones"  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: FlyingScotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Pavel. . .  
  
Pavel,  
  
Give Sulu back his Fencing Sword. . .or he's going to blow up the ship.  
  
Scotty.  
  
~~  
  
To: FlyingScotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Pavel. . .  
  
I don't believe you.  
  
Pavel  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: FlyingScotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Pavel. . .  
  
Just read 'Log Entries As Listened to by McCoy'. You'll understand.  
  
Scotty.  
  
~~  
  
To: FlyingScotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Pavel. . .  
  
I would if I had the Internet.  
  
Chekov  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: FlyingScotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Pavel. . .  
  
If you don't have the Internet, how're you Emailing me?  
  
Scotty. . .?  
  
~~  
  
To: FlyingScotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Pavel. . .  
  
Don't try using your stupid engineering technical babble on me. It wont work because I have no idea what you're going on and on about. And tell Sulu to get away from the warp core.  
  
Chekov :o(  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Um. . .  
  
Um. . .I don't know. Throw him the best Surprise Party he's ever had?  
  
Kirk  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Um. . .  
  
Um. . .I don't know. Throw him the best Surprise Party he's ever had?  
  
Jim, this'll be the only Surprise Party he's EVER had.  
  
McCoy  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Um. . .  
  
Must you down tread everything I say?  
  
Kirk  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: I didn't. . .  
  
Um. . . just to let you know, when I said I would. . .um. . .hurt you with my. . . um, bayonet, I didn't think I'd actually do it. . . hehe. . .  
  
Sulu ;o)  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordofTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject Re: I didn't. . .  
  
You're dead.  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: *Arched Brow*  
  
Thank you for the 'Surprise Party' . . . and, no, I would never want to know what I did when McCoy slipped Romulan Ale into my cocktail.  
  
Spock.  
  
~~  
  
A/N: So, there you have it, folks! Part Nine!  
  
Oh, and 'Log Entries As Listened to be McCoy' has been updated ;o).  
  
So, let's hear from the people, do you think Pavel should kill Sulu, or just mortally wound him? I'll leave that decision up to you in your reviews . . . be nice. 


	10. Keeping Secrets and Not Keeping Secrets

The Emailing Series Part: Ten  
  
~~  
  
Review Notes:  
  
Ebony: Wow. Someone asking ME for suggestions. Um. . .I'll get back to ya.  
  
Kaz: I can't tell you. I promised Spock I wouldn't.  
  
McCoy(muttering): Vulcan-pitying-taker-person-whatsit.  
  
Alania: I seem to be high on trying to kill Sulu at the mo, ever since I saw Mirror, Mirror. I think he's just as bad as his counter part.  
  
Star Of The South: Why does everyone except ME make good suggestions? *Slaps IIShameeka'sII hand* bad author! Bad!  
  
Saurons Twin Sister: I know. Main characters always come back to life. Interesting idea though.  
  
PearlGirl: A bayonet is a rifle thingy from way back then *points behind her at her Dad* that has a sword attached to the end. I figured Sulu might have one cos he collects guns. Please keep going with your Holiday series! And your Read This Or Else with Alania! Funniness!  
  
~~  
  
To: TheAudienceInGeneral@FanFiction.com  
  
From: IIShameekaIIIsBack@FanFiction.com  
  
Subject: Disclaimer.  
  
I do not own Star Trek. Gene knows that, if I did, I would kill off Rand *Grrrrr*.  
  
I also do not own Email.  
  
Or Spam.  
  
IIShameekaII  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Film  
  
Pav,  
  
Uhura's managed to get a pirate copy of The Matrix VI on DVD! We're gonna watch it tomorrow night at 8pm. Wanna come?  
  
Sulu  
  
PS. DON'T TELL ANYONE OR YOU'LL BE SO DEAD EVEN GENE WOULD FIND IT HARD TO RE-WRITE YOU BACK INTO THE SCRIPT.  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: IllogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: None  
  
Sulu,  
  
I heard Pavel talking about your Matrix VI DVD night thingy to Riley. Why can't I come?  
  
McCoy  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: FlyingScotsman@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: A wee prob. . .  
  
Sulu,  
  
If ye don't let me come, I'll blow up Uhura's DVD console.  
  
Scotty  
  
PS. I aint kidding.  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: CommitingSuicideReallyRocks@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: But. . .  
  
Sulu,  
  
I thought you were my best friend! Why can't I come?  
  
Joey  
  
PS. I'm that guy from Naked Time who stabbed myself.  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: BlimyO'Riley@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: But. . .  
  
Nu-uh. I'm your best pal, aren't I Sulu?  
  
Riley  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: DVDs.  
  
Mr. Sulu,  
  
Unless you allow myself and T'Pring (who mysteriously turned up yesterday) to attend your film showing, I will personally kill you in 7 years time.  
  
Spock.  
  
PS. I aint kidding.  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: CowardessRules@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Aw. . .  
  
Does this mean I can't come either? WAAAAAAAA!  
  
Bailey  
  
~~  
  
To: MeilinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Grrrr.com  
  
Pavel,  
  
Meet me at the Gym in sixty seconds with a Fencing Foil or I'll personally come over there and slice your head off, stick it on a pipe and worship the dark arts so that you will roast in hell for the rest of eternity. Have a nice day up 'till then.  
  
Sulu.  
  
~~  
  
To: MeilnkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: TokenBlackGal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Thanks!  
  
Gee, thanks Pavel! I've never had so many friends!  
  
Uhura. xx.  
  
[A/N]: It'll be more funny next time, I promise. 


	11. NonUniform Day

The Emailing Series Part 11.  
  
~~  
  
To: PeopleWhoReadThisDrivle@FFnet.com  
  
From: MeOfCourse@ffnet.com  
  
Subject: Disclaimer  
  
Here you are, folks. A nice little Disclaimer. Ehem: Disclaimer.  
  
Thanks for reading.  
  
IIShameekaII  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Moral.  
  
Jim,  
  
Moral is low. Do something about it.  
  
Bones.  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Moral. . .  
  
No.  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Moral  
  
Mr. Spock,  
  
Crew's moral is falling. What do you suggest we do?  
  
Bones  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Moral.  
  
Bones,  
  
I have been reading up on 21st century schools, and, when Moral was low, they'd have non-uniform days. Days where they could go into school wearing whatever they liked. It was mostly based in British schools, where uniform was compulsory.  
  
Spock  
  
PS. Illogical. How can wearing different clothes make you feel better?  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Non-uniform days  
  
Jim,  
  
Howabout a non uniform day? That would be fun.  
  
Bones  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELIbido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Are you. . .  
  
Bones,  
  
Are you out of your mind? This is a starship! We don't neeeeeeeeeeeed moral, just 100% efficiency. Remember the Corbomite Manouver? Huh? Do you? I don't care about MORAL. I only care about ME and my libido, so stop hounding me already! Do you know how hard my life is? How hard physicals are? And mentals? And understanding Chekov? And keeping Sulu from slicing peoples heads off? And. . .sorry, what was the question? Non-uniform day? Hmm. Sounds like a good idea.  
  
Kirk  
  
~~  
  
To: ALL CREW  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Non uniform  
  
ALL CREW,  
  
Tomorrow is a non-uniform day. Wear what you like. Uhura, no repetition of chapter one, please.  
  
Kirk  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Inspector_No_390@Starfleet.com  
  
Subject: Surprise. . .  
  
Kirk,  
  
You will have an inspection tomorrow at 9am. Please be ready.  
  
390.  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELIbido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Guess. . .  
  
Bones,  
  
Inspector no. 390 is paying us a visit tomorrow. Which is a non-uniform day. I am holding you responsible for this.  
  
Kirk.  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELIbido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Guess. . .  
  
Kirk,  
  
Big surprise. Not.  
  
Bones  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Inspector_No_390@Starfleet.com  
  
Subject: Your crew appear. . .  
  
Captain,  
  
Your crew appear to be not wearing their uniforms. And, in some cases, not very much else either. Please explain why.  
  
390  
  
~~  
  
To: Inspector_No_390@StarFleet.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Your crew app. . .  
  
390,  
  
It was some silly idea of Bones. He said that moral was low so the crew should be able to wear what they like.  
  
Kirk  
  
PS. Regarding the comment "not much else", I don't really mind.  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Inspector_No_390@StarFleet.com  
  
Subject: Your Idea  
  
Dr. McCoy,  
  
Wonderful idea! This "Non-Uniform Day" has really boosted moral on the ship! I don't know why anyone thought of it before! I'm putting in a Recommendation to StarFleet to make it necessary to have at least five a year!  
  
A Very Impressed 390  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Guess. . .  
  
Nyaa nyaa. *sticks tongue out* *gives you a wedgie* Nyaaa nyaaaaaaaaaaaaa!  
  
[A/N]: Can you believe MY Headmaster's gonna bust our number of Non-Uniform days down to 2 a year? Pfft. 


	12. Romulans and KirkRelatedIssues

The Emailing Series Part Twelve: Written so fast the Keyboard smokes.  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Notes:  
  
Agent Web: I'll get typing already! Well, I am, cos this is the next chapter but. . .whatever.  
  
Saurons Twin Sister: You don't get non-uniform days? Ouch.  
  
PearlGirl: The bill will be sent to you for a new keyboard. Please keep going with the Holidays aboard the Enterprise and the Read This Or Else (co- written with Alania, I know).  
  
~~  
  
To: ThePeople@FanFiction.com  
  
From: IIShameekaII@FanFiction.com  
  
Subject: Disclaimer and other Fluff.  
  
Just to say I don't own Star Trek cos Gene doesn't like me. :o(  
  
IIShameekaII  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
Subject: Heeheehee. . .  
  
Kirk,  
  
Heeeheeheeheheheheheheheheheheheheheeee. . . *cough, cough, sputter* Guess what.  
  
Mudd  
  
~~  
  
To: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Heeheehee. . .  
  
Mudd,  
  
I look down on your pathetic attempt to make contact with me. How dare you waste valuable surfing time?  
  
Kirk  
  
PS. What?  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGElibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
Subject: Re: Re: Heehee. . .  
  
Kirk,  
  
*Huffy* Fine then. If you don't want to hear my AMAZING STORIES then. . .go. . .um. . .surf. Yeah. Surf.  
  
Mudd  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Mudd  
  
Spock,  
  
*Whining* Harrrrrrrrriiiiiieeessssss hiding something from meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!  
  
Kirk  
  
PS. Please find out what.  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Mudd  
  
Jim,  
  
Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. . .no.  
  
Spok  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: You  
  
Bones,  
  
Stop hacking Spock's account. It's rude.  
  
Jim  
  
PS. Spock has a C in it.  
  
~~  
  
To: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
From: HUIGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Hee. . .  
  
Mudd,  
  
PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAZZZZZZZZEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE tell me what.  
  
Kirk  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LookAtMe!@MuddsPlanet.com  
  
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: He. . .  
  
Kirk,  
  
There is a Romulan Fleet headed your way.  
  
Mudd  
  
~~  
  
To: [All Crew]  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: [None]  
  
All Personnel: One word: Crap.  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: [All Crew]  
  
Subject: Re: [None]  
  
Captain Kirk: Two Words: Say Wha?  
  
~~  
  
To: ThatEvilRomulanFleetThatIsGoingToKillUsAll@DeepSpace.com  
  
From: HUGELIbido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Um. . .  
  
Hello there Mr + Mrs + Miss + Master Romulans,  
  
Wouldn't you rather. . .uh. . .shoot up some innocent colonies or something? We're really not worth it and. . .um. . .crud.  
  
Kirk  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELIbido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ThatEvilRomulanFleetThatIsGoingToKilUsAll@DeepSpace.com  
  
Subject: Re: Um. . .  
  
Kirk you slime devil,  
  
No, we would not. Mudd is letting us have the Entire Sky Digital Package for just shooting you up a bunch.  
  
The Romulans.  
  
PS. You missed out "Ms".  
  
~~  
  
To: TheEvilRomulanFleetThatIsGoingToKillUsAll@DeepSpace.com  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Re: Um. . .  
  
Romulans,  
  
I hate to break this to you, but the Sky Digital Package includes. . .Fox Network.  
  
Kirk  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELIbido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ThatEvilRomulanFleetThatIsGoingToKilUsAll@DeepSpace.com  
  
Subject: Thank You  
  
Kirk,  
  
You are our savvier. We owe you.  
  
The Romulans  
  
~~  
  
[A/N]: And they all live happily -  
  
Scotty: Ehem.  
  
[A/N]: Um, excuse me, but this is The Emailing Series, okay? You can't use script form-  
  
Uhura: Why didn't we get any lines?  
  
[A/N]: Because. . .because. . .  
  
Chekov&Sulu: (V)We thought (v)we (v)were your fa(w)vourite characters!  
  
[A/N]: You are -  
  
Riley&Bailey: Yeah, and we're the ones you like picking on!  
  
[A/N]: Um. . .  
  
AllWhoWereNotIncluded@Enterprise.com: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!  
  
[A/N]: Sheese. You guys better review, or they'll quit. Seriously. 


	13. Horror Show

The Emailing Series Chapter Thirteen: Halloween-Special-even-though-it's- not-Halloween-nor-is-it-anywhere-near-Halloween.  
  
Starring: Kirk, Spock, Bones, Chekov, Sulu, Uhura and Scotty.  
  
Co-Starring: Chuckie, Alien (from Alien), The Candyman, and loads and loads more! (IE. Red Shirts)  
  
~~  
  
Disclaimer: A Universal Production. All rights reserved to Universal studios and Gene Rodenbury. And to whoever made the characters listed above.  
  
~~  
  
To: HugeLibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: 13th  
  
Jim,  
  
Are you aware of the fact it's the Thirteenth episode in this series? And that the number 13 is unlucky? Well? Are you?  
  
Bones  
  
~~  
  
To: HugeLibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: The Thirteenth  
  
Captain,  
  
I do not see why Doctor McCoy is getting so worried about a date on the calendar. Can you please explain to me why?  
  
Spock  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Captain  
  
Pav,  
  
I think the Captain's disappeared. What d'you think?  
  
Sulu  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MeilinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Captain  
  
Su,  
  
I think the Candyman got him, seeing as though it is our 13th and all. . .  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Captain  
  
Pav,  
  
I know he looks in the mirror a lot but is he really so stupid as to say "Candyman" three times?  
  
Sulu.  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Captain  
  
Su,  
  
Well, yes. But he does sing Lollipop a lot. . .  
  
Pav  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ChuckieLives@HorrorShow.com  
  
Subject: You  
  
Hey pointy,  
  
I'm gonna get you, I'm gonna get you! Can we play a game?  
  
Chuckie Mwhahahahaahaa. . .  
  
~~  
  
To: ChuckieLives@HorrorShow.com  
  
From: LoicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: You  
  
Mr. Mwhahahahaahaa  
  
I am a Vulcan. I do not play games. And you are from a Horror Show. I do not see how it is possible for you to write anything with plastic fingers. You are not logical.  
  
Spock  
  
~~  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Entrprise.com  
  
From: HatchlingQueen@InSarahsChest.co.universe.eatme  
  
Subject: *GROWL*  
  
Growl, roar, slobber, *threatening pause*, slobber, spit, growl, roar, *pause*. . .where was I? Oh, right. Roar, clobber, spit, *pause*. . .er. . .line?  
  
~~  
  
To: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Alien  
  
Doctor,  
  
I've been contacted by an Alien who threatened to slobber on me. What should I do?  
  
Uhura  
  
~~  
  
To: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ILLOGICALBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Alien  
  
Uhura,  
  
Don't let it slobber on you and try to you and leave an answering machine message? Dammit girl, I'm a Doctor not a Diplomat!  
  
McCoy  
  
~~  
  
To: HatchlingQueen@InSarahsChest.co.universe.eatme  
  
From: Token_Black_Gal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: *Growl*  
  
Please oh please oh please oh please oh please don't hurt me or eat me or do anything to me or whatever just because I'm the token black gal doesn't mean you can kill me or hurt me or anything I have a contract so there so *sticks tongue out*.  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: VadersWorld@TheEmpire.com  
  
Subject: LUKE!  
  
LUKE!  
  
I finally found you! It took me forever but then I put the TV on and there you were!!!!  
  
~~  
  
To: VadersWorld@TheEmpire.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: LUKE!  
  
I am sorry to disappoint you, but I am not this Luke person. I am just a little Russian. See my Email address.  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: VadersWorld@TheEmpire.com  
  
Subject: Re: LUKE!  
  
Luke,  
  
Don't be silly. You have the same hair and the same. . .no, wait, you had sandy hair! You're not Luke! How dare you masquerade as my son! I'll kill you!  
  
~~  
  
To: LukeSywalker@Tatooine.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Plot spoiler  
  
Luke,  
  
Boy, do I have a plot spoiler for you. . .  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamrui@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SonOfSam@MurderersParadise@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Mwahahaha. . .  
  
Su,  
  
I'm going to kill you!!!!!  
  
~~  
  
To SonOfSam@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Mwahahaha. . .  
  
Sam,  
  
I'm not a woman.  
  
Su.  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamrui@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SonOfSam@MurderersParadise@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Murders  
  
I apologise. D'you know any women that need to. . .disappear?  
  
~~  
  
To SonOfSam@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Murders  
  
Hmm. . .Blondie? Could you come here a sec?  
  
~~  
  
You have been watching:  
  
Spock  
  
McCoy  
  
Chekov  
  
Sulu  
  
Uhura  
  
Chuckie  
  
Darth Vader  
  
Son of Sam  
  
Alien 


	14. Randomness in General

The Emailing Series Part 14  
  
~~  
  
Reviewer Response:  
  
Dixie: - Thank you.  
  
PearlGirl: - Great suggestion! Although he might get vig jealousy. . .sorry for getting that song stuck in your head! Btw, please write a sequel to Read This Or Else with Alania or. . . um. . . I'll think of something.  
  
Kaz: - I do have to have the previous chapters of the Emailing Series up when I'm writing this. . . especially the one with the appendix!  
  
Silent Breeze: - Yes. The hunt for Jim continues. Emailing Series: Part 14.  
  
Alania: - Chuckie and Son of Sam are really old (well, the sixties. . .) Alien is a really. . .weird, gory film about. . .Aliens. . .heheh. Isn't it funny how everyone likes Darth Vader more than the actual Star Trek Characters?  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: You  
  
Mr. Spock,  
  
You do realise now that because we can't find Kirk you're Captain, right?  
  
Chekov  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: VadersWorld@TheEmpire.com  
  
Subject: LUKE!  
  
Son, look, leave those losers and that badly budgeted TV series behind and we can rule the Universe together, father and son!  
  
~~  
  
To: VadersWorld@TheEmpire.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: LUKE!  
  
Are you Russian?  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: VadersWorld@TheEmpire.com  
  
Subject: Re: LUKE!  
  
Er. . .no, does that matter?  
  
~~  
  
To: VadersWorld@TheEmpire.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: LUKE!  
  
Then you are no father of mine. And don't you remember the last Chapter? I'm not Luke, for friggin' frog's sake!  
  
CHEKOV  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: VadersWorld@TheEmpire.com  
  
Subject: Yeah, but. . .  
  
Yeah, but Luke wouldn't come, so I thought I'd get his look alike.  
  
~~  
  
To: VadersWorld@TheEmpire.com  
  
From: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Yeah. . .  
  
Well, try my Mirror counterpart. He's conveniently evil, but ever-so- slightly-wimpy too. His Email's CossakHunter@ISSEnterprise.com .  
  
Chekov  
  
PS. Good luck.  
  
~~  
  
To: MelinkiRhus@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: You  
  
Mr. Chekov,  
  
I do not take suggestions from Navigators who can't even say 'vessel' right.  
  
Spock.  
  
~~  
  
To: TokenBlackGal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: SwordofTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Spock  
  
Uhura,  
  
Have you noticed Spock being a little conveniently evil today? And since when did he have a beard?  
  
Su.  
  
~~  
  
To: SwordOfTheSamuri@Enterprise.com  
  
From: TokenBlackGal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: Spock  
  
Yes. And you're not on the Bridge. But some guy who looks almost exactly like you whose wearing a Red Shirt and has a scar. . . . . . . . . . . . .oh dear.  
  
~~  
  
To: TokenBlackGal@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ReadyToKill@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: You  
  
Uhura,  
  
Since when did you wear a dress? And since when did you do anything important? And since when did you have that stupid Email address?  
  
Su.  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: TokenBlackGal@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: HELP ME YOU STUPID VULCAN WHOSE ACTUALLY YOUR MIRROR COUNTERPART BUT OH WELL!  
  
Spock,  
  
Please execute Sulu (the one in the Red Shirt) under General Order 2.6: Any crewmember wearing a Red Shirt must be dead by the end of a Chapter.  
  
~~  
  
To: ReadyToKill@Enterprise.com  
  
From: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: None  
  
Die.  
  
~~  
  
To: LogicalBeing@Enterprise.com  
  
From: ReadyToKill@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Re: None  
  
GAK!  
  
~~  
  
To: AllCrew  
  
From: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
Subject: Me (what else?)  
  
Hi. I've been on shore leave. What I miss?  
  
~~  
  
To: HUGELibido@Enterprise.com  
  
From: AllCrew  
  
Subject: Re: Me (What else?)  
  
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.  
  
~~  
  
[A/N]: Whoo! On to Chapter Fifteen another time. Okay. Just a little extra: On my biopage are a list of stories I'm thinking of writing up next. If you want, have a looksie and tell me which one I should write next! And I'll update this quicker next time, soz. 


End file.
